I am a Calorie Prisoner

I am seeding an article that I read over the weekend in the latest edition of Self Magazine. The article talked about eating disorders and disordered eating. I have never heard of disordered eating, but found myself identifying with one of the six categories defined in the article: Calorie Prisoners. Per the article, "Calorie prisoners are terrified of gaining weight, tend to see food as good or bad and feel extremely guilty if they indulge in something that's off-limits."

For the first 25 years of my life, I did not have to even think about what I was eating. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Then, last May, I turned 26. My body started to shift. By the end of the year, I was staring to notice some "giggly" spots that were never there before. This scared me. Two generations before me have struggled with weight issues. My mother continues to struggle. And her mother, my Nana, never won the battle - she died of a diabetic coma thirteen and a half years ago.

So, like millions of other people around the world, I made a New Year's resolution to start working out on a more consistent basis. In addition, I was going to start watching my calories.

Now, there is nothing wrong with working-out on a regular basis to maintain health. I did not get to the point where I was working out too much and/or over exerting myself. (Per the article: Extreme exercisers work out despite illness, injury or exhaustion and solely for weight loss. This is another disordered eating category.)

I did however become obsessed with counting calories. I found websites on which I could log my meals. I studied and compared food choices and would deny myself food even if I was still hungry, for the simple reason that my calorie count for the day would not allow it. On weekdays, it was easy to log everything, since I spend 8 hours a day on the computer anyways. I could plan ahead to make sure I knew what I could and could not have once I got home. Then on weekends, I would race to my computer anytime I ate or drank something with caloric value. I had to log it! If I didn't log it, I'd forget, and then it would throw off my daily count!

It became an obsession. I had a fear of gaining weight. I had a fear of being the third generation of having weight issues. Both generations before me did not have weight problems until their late-20's. I was not in the clear! Anything could happen! I needed to get control now!

But then it hit me. As long as I make wise choices, and I maintain an active lifestyle, I do not need to run to the computer after every little bite. I know what things I should and should not have. I understand how to eat in moderation. I do not grab the tub of ice cream and eat it in one sitting. I scoop it into a coffee mug and enjoy a serving. I eat fruits and/or veggies with every meal. Just from working out, the giggles I had started noticing have gone away.

While calorie counting and logging my foods for the first quarter of this year confirmed that I do know how to make wise decisions, I refuse to keep a daily log any longer. I was a prisoner.

Will I ever log my foods again? Yeah, probably. I may check-in once in a while to make sure I am still making good decisions. But I will never allow myself to become obsessed again. .... But I must admit, it is still a struggle to NOT think about it. I am a calorie prisoner. Whether or not I physically count the calories, they may hold me prisoner forever. Why? Because I have a fear of what my genes might hold for my future....

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The Disorder Next Door

Self Magazine

Mon Apr 21

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